Yup, there’s some rock hard science coming up here. Today, we’ll be linking your car to your personality. I won’t have any of your “I like the way it looks” or “it’s all I could afford” nonsense, because according to Internet science that’s backed by at least half a dozen semi-representative websites, your car can in fact reveal a lot about your personality. And who are we to argue?
Whether it’s real or not (hint: it’s probably not), it’s fun to imagine which personality goes together with which car. We all assume old rich men drive Jaguars and middle-eastern men drive white BMWs, so why not expand on this idea and turn this into a scientific method. Because it’s not a scientific method at all, you say? Well, you may have a point, but just grab whichever can of salt you’ll need for this article and take a look at some stereotypes associated with different types of cars.
Pickup Truck: Highway Heroes
These cars are driven by your regular woodchucks, the no-nonsense kind of guys. That or Dwayne Johnson in whatever movie he’s trying to pretend to be a non-buff guy in. You’re not that good an actor Dwayne, we all know you’re going to punch right through that wall sooner or later.
Sedan: Discerning Ponderers
Do you like to think a lot about different kinds of things that actually have no real impact but seem important anyway? Get a sedan! Select all your options, all your brands, all your models! Select all the things! Take five fucking years to figure out which car to buy!
Compact: Burnt-out Couples
Think of a couple you know that has kids already. The kids are annoying. The couple looks tired. They would probably argue all the time if they had any energy left for it. Bet they drive a compact car.
Station Wagons: Tireless Matriarchs
These are the taxi moms: they drive everyone around and pick everyone up afterwards. Why? Because someone has to.
Luxury Cars: Overpaid Celebs
I don’t think a footballer should get paid millions of dollars a year, but I guess I’ll never have the garage that Cristiano Ronaldo has.
SUV: Suburban Farmers
This is the kind of car someone would use to transport children (or the cattle) in. It’s also a car that’s big enough so people won’t make fun of you. And it’s highly impractical to drive in a suburban environment.
Coupe: Extravagant Youngsters
It’s got the “I have a nice car” attitude and none of the nice car price tags. Win-win for young folks.
Minivan: Soccer Moms
Gotta put all that sports gear somewhere, right?
Muscle Car: Petrolheads
This is the main car for people that like to tinker with their cars. You can blame The Fast And The Furious for that one. Thanks for making Mustangs awesome again, Vin Diesel. We needed that.
Crossover: Indecisive Doubters
Can’t make up your mind about anything at all? Get a car that can do everything just a little bit. It’s almost an SUV, and it’s almost not an SUV. Perfect.